A few people have reached out to me assuming they have been banned from my Discord server, HYPERSPACE. Luckily, you were not banned. Unluckily, you will not be rejoining either.

Since the birth of my server, I had been struggling with it; I was never satisfied, I was never comfortable, and I never really wanted to dedicate time to it. I love community management, and I've built many lasting communities in the past—but something was different.

The dynamic between a viewer and a creator was a brand new experience to me, and it never really hit until I started streaming and owned a Discord server. I've never been viewed this way before: up on a pedestal, as if I'm more than just... some guy on the internet. It was something I couldn't really handle, and fueled my anxiety in many different ways.

This is not to say that my audience is bad. Of course, there will be some bad apples, but the majority of those in both my Twitch chat and Discord server have been completely fine. The problem is more about how I perceived instances in which there were bad apples, how I reacted to it, and how I let myself feel about it.

Let's first dive into why I stopped streaming, as that's what came first:

Why I stopped streaming

I used to love streaming. I had so many fun ideas that I couldn't wait to surprise my viewers with. I loved creating cool integrations with Godot Engine. It was so much fun (and it still is).

Eventually, I created my Discord server, HYPERSPACE, with several integrations for the stream as well. Everything custom-coded. It was a really exciting release.

Several months in, though, I started to dread it. It felt like such a quick turnaround. I was excited to stream, and then suddenly, I wasn't. I was constantly stressed about needing to stream, and owing it to my viewers.

I mean, I couldn't stop streaming, right? I just started it. Everyone expected it.

I'd push days. I'd skip days. I'd change my frequency. I'd make schedules.

Side note: many of those times where I did skip were entirely justifiable—I have several chronic pain disorders and needed days to myself.

But I never really felt the want to stream again.

The problem was that I was giving myself too much pressure. Whereas many other streamers used this time to relax, I couldn't help but feel like I needed to put on a performance:

• I needed to constantly make sure my viewers were entertained at all times.
• I needed to constantly make sure I didn't somehow accidentally dox myself.
• I needed to constantly make sure I didn't accidentally offend anyone.
• I needed to constantly make sure no one could tell when I felt ill.
• And so on...

There was so much I felt the need to constantly pay attention to.

I had thought I enjoyed the performance, but this was not the type of performance I wanted. I liked putting on a show, not a mask.

I simply could not stop ruminating and acting on these thoughts, no matter how hard I tried.

So I stopped streaming.

Eventually, I did start it up again. I created a brand new layout, I had planned to stream on YouTube, I set up more integrations in my Discord, I created a schedule, I told myself I wasn't going to let this happen again—

I streamed once. Maybe twice.

And I stopped streaming again.

The same thing happened.

I knew, logically, I didn't have to be so meticulous about how I performed and what I did. I knew I could allow myself to be myself and have fun, and people would enjoy it all the same.

Yet, in the moment, none of that mattered.

Why I deleted my Discord server

I'll be honest: I wanted to delete the server not long after it was created.

There were a few bad apples in the server. Not as many as you'd expect in a server of >1,000 members—but there's definitely a few stories. In most cases, things ended fine, my mod team handled it all pretty well.

But I didn't.

I couldn't stop ruminating about what went wrong, what I did wrong, what could go wrong, what will go wrong, how I can prevent things from going wrong...

That feeling never went away. It got better, yes. But, it never went away.

And I gave it over a year.

The important part here, though, was that I let my anxiety get in the way of building the community that I wanted to build. Being put up on this pedestal made me feel that I owed my audience so much more than I ever really did.

So I never let it become what it could have been.

And, I couldn't just delete the server, right? I just made it. Everyone expected this from me.

The Common Denominator

I'll be a bit vulnerable here.

A couple months ago from writing this, I was diagnosed with obsessive-compulsive disorder. I'm not going to go too much into detail with how this disorder works, but it's significantly more than just being "organized" or "clean." In fact, that has nothing to do with it. Maybe I'll write about the disorder itself in a separate post some day.

This diagnosis put everything into perspective for me. And I mean everything.

And these two big stressors in my life—streaming and my Discord server—made even more sense to me as to why they were stressors.

Truly, I do enjoy streaming.

And I do enjoy community management!

But my OCD had found ways to implant itself deep into these things that I enjoyed. And I did not have the strength to get through it.

Conclusion

It was not entirely my OCD that caused me to stop these things.

Of course, there were problematic and toxic people in my Twitch chat and in my Discord server.

But I was the one that let them stay, and let things fester, and never let myself solve the problem. So I let it take a toll on me.

I, however, am happy with my decision to delete the Discord server. A big reason that it stayed up for so long was because I couldn't bring myself to pull the trigger.

I eventually did reach my breaking point, in both a positive and a negative way: on one hand, I had finally built up enough resentment that I wanted it gone; on the other hand, I had finally built up enough courage that I allowed myself to take it down.

And I do not regret it.

Will I come back to streaming?

Maybe. I need to work on myself mentally, and figure out what it is I want to do with streaming.

I don't actually have a lot of time to stream anymore, and I like to enjoy games on my own. But I may figure out something different to stream.

Don't expect anything for now. I have no current plans to start streaming again.

Will I create a new Discord server?

Maybe, but probably not.

If I do, it will likely be one of these:

• Supporters-only
• 18+ with strict rules
• Both supporters-only and 18+ with strict rules
• Announcements and emojis only, no channels to chat in

However, I think it's very likely that it will not be centered around me. I will simply own and manage it, but it will be its own community.

I highly doubt there will ever be a "justan oval" server again. It just isn't something I enjoyed.

I want a community. I want something unique, something special.

I do have ideas. Those of which I've been thinking about for many months, long before I deleted the server. But maybe that's for another post.

Thank you

Thanks for reading.

I plan to use this blog more. I've developed an RSS feed and will soon set up an automation to announce my posts to my Bluesky and such.

I think this website will serve as a great hub, and I am confident it was the right decision for me.